


I wish I didn't see

by Mary_the_gardener



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: ACI 2019, Eyeliner, FAOI 2019, Goth Yuzu, Lack of Communication, M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-10-19 22:20:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20664725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_the_gardener/pseuds/Mary_the_gardener
Summary: Javier swallows on air, his mouth suddenly dry and his heart racing, his eyes greedily drinking in the unexpected sight: it's something he never thought about, but now that it's been shoved in front of him he can't go back anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ForeverDoesntExist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForeverDoesntExist/gifts).

> This is just a little thing for the most beautiful person in the world.
> 
> I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for her.
> 
> The scene is set in the first days of FaOI and the rating may change in the next chapter, who knows. Also be ready to wait for it a couple of weeks.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this.

Yuzuru stares in defiance at the little item laying on the table in front of him, with such intensity it may almost look like he expects it to react to him. He can feel its whispers, challenging him to do it: Come on, Yuzuru, try me, I dare you.

And he honestly feels so tempted: just for once, he could try, right? No one would see, no one would know.

He's pretty sure it slipped out and onto the floor from Rika's bag when she picked it up in a hurry to catch the next shuttle; and he just had to see it, lying there next to the leg of the table. And he had picked it up, thinking of returning it to her... But then this idea had crossed his mind, so now here he is.

He shoots a look at the mirror in front of him and makes up his mind: he carefully sits on the chair in front of the dressing table and reaches for the little black pen. He just holds it and looks at it suspiciously, like the thing could explode any minute. Explode on his face, black streaks everywhere. Dark, black lines. It is so tempting.

He knows how to do it: he has seen the girls putting it on so many times: stretch the skin a little with one hand, apply small strokes with the other; it shouldn't be that hard, right?

He uncaps the pen, leans closer to the mirror, and cautiously starts to apply it on his left upper eyelid. He gets totally absorbed into the task, the world outside slipping out of his mind. It's actually a nice sensation, refreshing, relaxing.

He decides to go heavy on it and does his waterline too, then tracing delicate little strokes under his lashes and all the way to the inner corner of his eye. The result he sees in the mirror is pretty satisfying, not bad for a first time. His arms feel a little stiff, but he surely is not backing out now, so he proceeds to try and replicate the same thing on his other eye.

It's way harder than the first one and he needs to concentrate even more to try and replicate the same angles on his right eye too.

But Yuzuru is determined not to be defeated by such a thing, he's won way harder tasks, he can do this too he just needs to concentrate harder. Focus.

Focusing is an easy task, something he's perfectly mastered along the years, so he empties himself without difficulty and shuts the world out - there's no one else in the room anyway - solely concentrating on the little strokes he's applying around his eye.

He is so into it that he doesn't even hear the sound of the door opening and then closing behind his shoulders. Nor does he perceive the reflected movement of one person coming in. He is totally oblivious to it all, and that is why, when he finally notices it he all but jumps in his seat, miraculously avoiding to brush the still open pen along all of his cheek. He screeches, too, the moment he realizes the person standing a few feet from him is none but Javi. And he then finally goes still, sitting rigidly in his chair, staring at him and wondering for how long Javi has been there, watching him.

For his part, Javier doesn't look any less surprised: he's standing motionless in the middle of the room, staring at Yuzu, mouth agape and eyes wide. In all honesty, he's been perfectly still for a few minutes now, incapable of tearing his eyes away from the reflection of Yuzu attentively applying dark lines on his eyelid. He feels awestruck. It's like a strip of clouds suddenly broke apart and is now showing him the deep blue sky that is behind, sun rays filtering in on a land that had been wrapped in darkness till then. He feels shaken even, like all his certainties have been crushed to pieces. It's almost scary, how his eyes have suddenly been open by just that sight. It's overwhelming, all too much all at once. And when Yuzu comes out of his zone, startled, and turns to face him, it only gets worse: seeing him straight in the face and not through a mirror is totally mind-blowing.

Javier swallows on air, his mouth suddenly dry and his heart racing, his eyes greedily drinking in the unexpected sight: Yuzu in eyeliner is something he never thought about, but now that it's been shoved in front of him he can't go back anymore. Nothing will ever be the same, but that's not something he is realizing now, he will only catch up on this thought later on. For now it feels like time stilled, like the world outside does not exist anymore, swept away by a brush of black eyeliner. Every certainty blown to dust. For now he is just glued to the floor by want. A sudden, unforeseen want, but not any less strong for it. All the opposite. It is an unexpected blow and Javier has no idea how to react to it, the sight in front of him just too mesmerizing. He traces with his eyes every line of Yuzu's dark gaze, drowning into it.

That is until, finally, Yuzuru moves again, lowering his eyes on the dressing table and playing with the cap of the pen in an attempt to avoid Javier's gaze:

"What- what are you doing here Javi?" He asks in a low, shy voice. And when he gets no answer he continues: "I thought you were already back at the hotel, like the others."

Somehow, Javier finally manages to come out of his reverie; he tries to swallow, to wet a little his now completely dry mouth, to remember why he came here in the first place.

"I..." It comes out cracked, so he tries again: "Liza... she lost her scarf, I just... I'm helping her look for it." He manages to explain himself somehow, to bring himself back from wherever he got lost. It's like finally swimming back up to the surface after a long apnoea immersion, taking a deep, quick breath. Oxygen rushing to your brain again.

"You haven’t seen it around, have you? " Javier feels suddenly extremely self-conscious, aware of their surroundings, of their whole situation. Of _his_ situation. It's like suddenly falling down after an endless dive, you crash on the ground hard and painfully. And there's no more time suddenly, on the contrary, everything is going fast forward, to catch up for the moments time stilled for the two of you alone. There's no more time to think, decisions are to be taken now, actions done.

He barely waits for Yuzuru to shake his head and he's already running out the door, murmuring something about having to look for that scarf in other places.

In the end, Liza is the one that finds the scarf.

In the end, he is unable to look Yuzu in the eyes for the rest of the tour. The break offered by his participation in Yuna's show is more than appreciated, giving him the time to properly get his thoughts together without having Yuzu constantly around. Because, he has to admit it, that has become an extremely distracting sight. And he just cannot allow himself such thoughts: he's a taken man.

But he just can't avoid it, every time he sees him, his face, all of him, it's like they’re pulling at him, trying to take him in. So he just tries to stay away as much as he can. In their free time he engages with the others as much as possible, desperately trying to avoid being alone in his room, pretty sure he would give in and go knock on Yuzu's door, and then who knows what would happen.

Actually, he does know: he's sure he would jump on him the moment the door would close. He would drink his kisses like a starved man. But he tries not to think about this.

Without any success though, because in the moments he is forced to spend alone in his room, when he fails at finding someone to spend time with, to distract himself, he inevitably ends up jerking off in the shower, the image of dark-circled eyes burned in his mind, fantasizing about Yuzu's body naked between his hands.

He is not proud of those moments of weakness. He is ashamed by them, flushes every time he thinks of it. He feels burning, heavy stones in the pit of his stomach when he's on the phone with Marina and tentacles of heat low in his guts when he sees Yuzu.

So he tries to stay away as much as he can, telling himself that he just needs to resist a little more, just till the end of the show, and then he'll be home again, in the warm and soft embrace of his girlfriend, and everything will go back to normal.

Except he knows it won’t.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, things happened and this plot shifted a bit from what it was originally supposed to be, I hope you will like it all the same!

Javier wonders what he was thinking, seriously, preparing two programs in two weeks has been a terrible idea, David is giving him no break, dedicating to him two private sessions per day, one in the mornings and one in the afternoons. And if he somehow manages to survive the morning ones, at the end of the afternoon ones he is no better than a zombie.

What was in that stupid head of his, really. That's what he thinks as he walks down the TCC corridors half in a trance, so out of it that when his foggy mind registers some kind of giggly sounds coming from one of the rooms he really can't figure out what that is all about. Luckily, Jason is coming in the opposite direction, so he can ask him what's going on:

"Oh it's just Jun and Zhenya, they're... having a little fun with Yuzu..."

"With Yuzu? Yuzu? But if he's always so concentrated and closed in his own world of quad axels!"

"Oh he just can't get away from it today, he lost a bet with Jun and now he has got to pay? Something about that quad flip...."

"Oh" Javier feels a little dumb, his brain not really in condition to process this information.

"Yep!" Concludes Jason with his typical liveliness, going off his way with vivacious steps, just as his usual self. Javier is left in the middle of the corridor, still trying to find a sense to what Jason said. But he really is tired, so he just shrugs and keeps going. That is, until he reaches the door to the room those sounds are coming from. He can hear Yuzu whining and Zhenya trying to tell him to stay still in between loud giggles.

Javier's head basically turn on its own.

And what he sees... is definitely not what he expected - not that his brain had had the energy to come up with any kind of expectation, to be honest. The point is that what he sees makes him freeze: his limbs won't move even if his brain is all over the place, screaming at him to run, run away as fast as he can, get away from it before it's too late. Before Yuzu turns around.

But before he is able to collect himself and do anything, any kind of coordinated movement or thought, Jun notices him standing there, in the middle of the corridor, just out of the room, still like a dead fish.

"Javii! Are you done for the day?" He greets him, gentle and polite as ever, and Javier's eyes enlarge in panic as he watches Yuzu turning around after hearing Jun's words. Javier knows he is a doomed man. But he also doesn't know how to solve this whole situation.

Yuzuru opens his mouths to say something, but suddenly all his words are gone. What he sees, the expression on Javi's face, it sends him back to the beginning of the summer. Not that things have gotten much different now.

It's been pretty awkward, since Javi came back to Toronto. He just hugged him like that, in the middle of all the cameramen and the people, smiling brightly. And Yuzuru was even more confused than before, not understanding what was happening now and what had been happening back in Japan, when Javi had basically avoided him for the whole tour. They hadn't talked about it at all and now he had come back and hugged him like that, and Yuzuru didn't know what to think anymore. It wasn't the first time that they had kept a certain distance, but that had been when they were still rivals, trying to balance between their friendship and their competitive spirit, keeping a little away from each other to keep the tension to a minimum. But during an ice show there was no such reason. And Javi was even retired now. Yuzuru hadn't understood his reasons back in June and he didn't understand them now.

But he had taken the renewed proximity without complaints. It was not exactly comfortable, both of them a bit weary after the summer, not exactly sure how to behave and trying to walk around it on tiptoes, but that was all he could have and he had to be grateful for it.

Seeing that expression on his face again was a different thing though. Despite everything, Yuzuru had been trying to convince himself that things had gotten better, mainly just to enjoy this last two weeks with Javi. He had tried to shut up all the thoughts and just enjoy being on the ice with him one more time.

But how can he fool himself now?

He closes his mouth without saying anything, just watches Javi swallow silently, barely registers the high pitched voice of Zhenya that is probably scolding him for having turned around while she was still at work. He only focuses on what she is saying when he notices that she is talking to Javi now. Telling him with excited sound what she and Jun are doing to him.

"Isn't it incredible? I keep telling him that he should get into make up more, he looks so well with it, maybe next time I should try and do his eyebrows too, what do you think Jun?"

But Jun's answer is lost to Yuzuru, too preoccupied watching how Javi's features mold into an even more shocked expression, if that is possible. Why, he asks himself. Even the tiniest hope Yuzuru was holding in his heart shatters.

After seconds of listening to Jun and Zhenya discussing about what make up they should try on Yuzu, Javier finally comes back in possession of his capacities, he blinks a little and then manages to interrupt them and excuse himself: "I'm dead tired guys, I'm basically sleeping while standing here on my feet" - Lie. That's a lie. The sight of Yuzu in eyeliner, _again_, has suddenly awoken every single cell in his body - "I'll just go throw myself on my bed and not leave it till the morning.”

"Awww poor thing " Zhenya coos at him, "You go and rest well!" She sends him off with all the sisterly love she has for him.

"Yes, I will, you have fun guys." With that, he finally moves his legs and starts walking away, making his way to the door. And as he goes he thinks that now he's really gone, now there's no turning back. There's no way to shut down this feeling. There's nothing that will save him.

What he doesn't realize is that he was doomed from the start.

  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Here's the last chapter of this story finally!
> 
> Enjoy!

The next day, when Javier walks into the rink for another exhausting day of training, his eyes immediately spot yuzu on the ice: he can't help but stop for a minute to just look at him.

Yuzu is _beautiful_, even without make up, he couldn't stop himself from having such thoughts now. He feels attracted in too many ways now. He wants him, that was something he had stopped denying almost immediately, but now not only carnally: he wants to have him writhing around himself in a cacophony of moans, but he also wants to wrap him in blankets, protect him from everything, to caress his cheeks with tenderness right after waking up, to have breakfast together every day.

It's definitely too much, and even if it was not so sudden, his feelings - or rather the awareness of them - blossoming over the summer, bright and thriving more and more until he could not hide them under the bed anymore, until he had to acknowledge them, to look them in the eyes, admit them to himself and... to others.

Because it doesn't matter if nothing is going to happen, if he had no intention of acting on them, they were there. And if you think like this about somebody else, it's only fair to let go of the ones you're with. He may have the good looks, but he was always a good guy, and he had no intention of starting now to mislead girls. Growing old by himself is better than ruining someone else's life.

That's what he thought, before coming back to this. Now he's losing control and he's sure he'll snap pretty soon, doesn't matter that he's staying only two weeks, he can feel the need growing in him with every passing minute. With every second that he spends watching how enticing Yuzu is.

He's bewitched, he can think of nothing else as Yuzu keeps gliding and twirling on the ice. But then Yuzu's strokes happen to bring him very close to where Javier is still standing, and the transformation of his features is almost scary to Javier. It's like the whole world dropped, his eyes completely lose their light, his mouth opens and closes in a weird fashion, his entire body stance changes.

And Javier suddenly realizes that he messed up for real. That all that running away was leaving marks on Yuzu too, that he of course noticed, sweet sensible creature that he always has been.

He realizes that yes, he has to act, soon, but that's not only because of his animalistic needs: he has got to do it first and above all for Yuzu, because he can't leave him feeling like that. It doesn't matter what will happen, he can't stand to know Yuzu is suffering because of him.

Yuzuru is at a loss: he doesn't know what he should do anymore. Saying good morning and acting like everything is fine is not an option anymore. Not after yesterday. But what can he do? The options scare him, because he knows that he either lets it go, and watches Javi slip away from him forever, or he confronts him, asks him what's the matter. There's no easy, painless solution. He can't even imagine a life completely without Javi, not having him at the club everyday is already painful enough. On the other hand, if he does something, if he asks, there's no guarantee things will be fixed, he has no idea of what Javi's answers could be, his motivations behind this weird behaviour. What if it's bad? Or what if while confronting Yuzuru's tongue slips, all his feelings tumbling out?

He can't take a decision, and while his brain is breaking down over this issue, body movements completely forgotten, Javi says hi and moves to his right, directed to the benches, without waiting for his reaction.

They spend the day in an even more awkward atmosphere than the days before, skirting around each other, both wanting to say something but never finding the courage or the right moment to do it. It makes both of them change their plans a little, trying to find/create the occasion all day and then letting it go with some lame excuses. It makes them drag on training longer that they used to. But in the end the day is over, there are no more excuses to hang around, on ice, off ice, all is done but that one thing they have been running after and at the same time constantly postponing. It's time to go home.

  
  


Javi feels in a very low mood, one of the lowest he's been in in the last months: he's disappointed in himself, incapable of summoning his courage and just do a thing as simple as talking. He spent the last week trying to get four rotations in the air and then avoiding kissing the ice with his butt, this should be an easy task in comparison. But it isn't. And he failed. And this all makes him a little mad.

But then he enters the locker room, ready to collect his stuff and go back to his hotel to drown his misery in sleep, and he's greeted with an unexpected sight - again. He had been sure Yuzu was already gone, but no, he's here.

He's not supposed to be here this late, but he is. It must be a sign, Javier thinks, act now: you've been given one more chance, use it.

"Yuzu..."

Yuzuru startles, hastily turning around to see the person he didn't expect to see. Didn't dare hope to see anymore today. But Javi is here, in front of is eyes, saying his name. That's the moment, no one else is around anymore, he has to act.

It's not like during the course of the day Javi has done nothing, he kept postponing, that's true, but his brain worked a lot, rehearsing a lot of possible conversations, composing speeches upon speeches, and he decided the best option is to start from the beginning.

He takes a deep breath and jumps.

"I need to talk to you." He jumped. But it's like he's frozen mid-air now. What was it that he wanted to say? All those carefully put together sentences have disappeared. “I… I can’t do this anymore I’m sorry, I tried but-” He’s interrupted by Yuzu gasping out loud, so he tentatively raises his eye from where they’ve been fixed on the floor, and Yuzu has that expression again, that kind of terror in his eyes. But it quickly morphs into something else.

It’s not just sadness, it’s desperation, Yuzuru feels shattered by Javi’s words, telling him that even if he had talked it would have been all in vain, that Javi has decided for them already. That he’s shutting that door for good. And this hurts, like he’s been caught with his hands in the middle of it and they’ve been crushed between the door and the frame. How could Javi be this cruel? How… did he dare? He can feel the pain turning into rage and rising up, up from his stomach to his throat, up, up till it reaches his mouth and he can’t keep it in anymore.

“It’s fine.” Are the first words coming out, chilled as their beloved ice. “You don’t have to exert yourself.”

Javier is taken aback, he’s seen Yuzu like that before, but it’s not the Yuzu he expected to see now. “No I mean-”

“You can go back to ignore me like in Japan. I will be just fine.”

“No I-”

“There’s no need to worry, Javi, you’ve been gone for more than one year already. We barely meet, you don’t have to try that hard to ignore me.” Yuzu keeps talking, not giving Javier any space, so he does the only thing he can and raises his voice:

“But I don’t want that!”

“You don’t?” Yuzu is quick in adapting to the new tones of the conversation: “That’s not what your actions say Javi! That’s what you did all summer!”

“You screwed me up Yuzu!” Javier shouts back without thinking, and they both freeze.

“I what? Me? You were the one that suddenly acted all weird!”

“You don’t understand, I had no choice at the time!”

“I don’t understand? I’ve been trying so hard Javi, so so hard not to create you any problems, all this time-” Yuzu shuts his mouth mid-sentence, almost ruining all the efforts he’s put up with all these years, almost shouting how he struggled to keep his feelings down for the sake of their friendship; but Javi doesn’t seem to notice that there was more, too caught up in their fight, he just laughs at him loudly and then shakes his head in disbelief: “Not really Yuzu, you did create me a fucking lot of problems, just look at what you did to me today!”

“Why do you keep blaming me?! I haven’t done anything! You’re the one that started all this mess! I don’t know what to do anymore! First you barely talk to me in Japan, then you come back and act like nothing happened! And then you start being weird again!”

“It’s because I’m trying to keep my hands off of you!” Snaps Javier finally, hastily moving into Yuzuru’s personal space and trapping him between his own body and the wall, “You say you’ve done nothing? But how can you not know? I’m sure you know. It’s all of this” he trails his hand from Yuzu’s cheek down his neck and pecs till his waist, resting it there in the sweet curve of Yuzu’s body. Yuzuru is undeniably surprised, this is totally unexplored territory, he’s never seen Javi so worked up, Javi doesn’t do fights, Javi doesn’t scream. This is something new, something he’s never seen in the eight years of their proximity. It’s new but also trilling, the heat of Javi’s fingers running on his body, he can’t take his eyes off Javi’s heated gaze.

Javier can sense all his bolts jumping out, like having Yuzu this close, his eyes fixed on his, made his restraint pop; he just can’t stop anymore: he squeezes Yuzuru’s waist and then he just closes the small distance remaining between them, hastily pressing his mouth on Yuzuru’s. It lasts two, three seconds and then he moves away again, as abruptly as he leaned in. He doesn’t go far though, just enough to look into Yuzuru’s eyes: they’re piercing, burning with the same intensity he has when he takes the ice determined to win, they reach inside him and set his being on fire; but it’s a matter of seconds, because then Yuzuru is leaning in, making their mouths clash again vehemently and pushing him back, it’s heated and sort of violent, like their argument just now, with Yuzuru grasping at his hair and pressing into him, making him walk back till Javier hits the set of lockers with his back, his tongue is almost forceful, making its way into Javier’s mouth, and he doesn’t think for even a second, simply opening up and responding in kind. It’s aggressive, like they’re still fighting, tongues fiercely entwining and hands tugging at hairs and clothes. It’s rushed and explosive, how they bite and lick, tear and tug, peeling the fabric of their training gears frantically, until they’re both naked and Javier pushes Yuzuru back again, pushing him to the wall once more, he’s grabbing his ass and squeezing, and Yuzuru in answer is digging his nails in his back, they’re both pulling the other close, as if the pressure between their bodies just can’t be enough, trying to get more and more friction to relieve their aching erections. It’s fast and wild, how they keep rocking on each other, their nonsensical groans filling the empty room, higher and higher, harder and faster, until it’s all over, too quick, too soon, Javier biting on Yuzuru’s lower lip as hard as to break it a little and Yuzuru digging his nails into Javier’s ass cheek with so much force they will leave a scratch for sure.

It leaves them breathless and dizzy, still clinging to each other while trying to get back to reality. And once they do Yuzuru is circling his arms around Javi’s back and Javier is brushing a thumb on Yuzu’s lip, wiping away the blood with recovered gentleness.

And when their eyes find each other their gazes still retain the same intensity, but it’s not cold anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts?  
The ending is kinda open, but I hope you can grasp the hint at a positive development: be sure that they are going to sort their things out, but know that this is the final chapter of this story and I have no intention of coming back to it.

**Author's Note:**

> The lines about time stilling and then going fast forward are inspired by the circus [scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfDwQbxRoEo) in Tim Burton's Big Fish, I just couldn't help it.


End file.
